


they call me steve (that's not my name)

by laughingalonewithducks



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22184059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingalonewithducks/pseuds/laughingalonewithducks
Summary: “The last time I slept,” Bakura says, his voice muffled by the table, “I woke up with a Steve spooning me.”“I- um. I don’t- really know what to say to that. Were they hot, at least?”“It wasSteve Buscemi.”
Relationships: Yami Bakura/Marik Ishtar
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	they call me steve (that's not my name)

**Author's Note:**

> i like... wrote this two years ago and only just remembered it was on my harddrive today during Yet Another ygotas rewatch marathon  
> ~enjoy~

Joey, concentrating intently, finishes his move and stares at his hand, tweaking his strategy to fit the card he’s just picked up.

Yugi pulls one at random and slaps it down. Joey loses half his life points.

“So, we’re not ever going back to school, are we?” Yugi says, after the required card game lore monologue.

“Nah.” Tea picks at her chip basket. “They closed it down, actually. People kept disappearing and the chemistry majors were selling chloroform in the basement. God, these chips are _awful.”_

“And… we’re not required to finish our education?”

“Who cares,” Tea says. “You play card games. That’s pretty much a real job already. It’s not like we learned anything in school anyway, what with all the classes we skipped.”

“I guess,” Yugi says. “Hey- wait, Joey, that’s not what that card is called.”

Joey pauses mid-monologue. “Yes it is. Look, it’s got a praying mantis on it.”

“No, but, Praying Mantis is a different card. This one’s called ‘Flying Kamakiri’. Look, it says it. Right there, at the top of the card.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“…Joey, can you read?”

“Uh,” Joey says, visibly sweating. “Hey! Is that Bakura? Isn’t he supposed to be dead or something?”

“I dunno. I stopped paying attention to the plot back in season one.” Yugi looks over his shoulder. “Oh. That’s the other Bakura.”

Tea flicks a chip at Joey. “The one we don’t like, or the one we hate?”

“The one that keeps trying to kill us.”

“So the one we don’t like.”

Joey squints at the approaching figure. “He, uh… doesn’t look too good.”

Bakura looks more crazed than usual, which is kind of concerning given his terminal case of Resting Batshit Face (although still an improvement on the other Bakura’s creepy, vapid smile). Yugi sweeps his cards back into his deck - along with a few of Joey’s - and gets ready to run. It’s a good, solid plan that lasts for all of five seconds, and then Bakura yanks him out of his chair by the front of his shirt and puts his eyebags and his horrible skin pallor far too close to Yugi’s face.

“You kill people, right?” he snarls.

“What? No! That’s your thing!”

“I’m not talking to you, dickweed, I’m talking to-”

“Yes?” Yugi spontaneously grows several inches and nearly takes Bakura’s eye out with a stray hair spike.

Bakura shoves him back into his chair, disgusted. “Pharaoh. You kill people.”

“Er- not as such, no. It’s more like… mild torture. Mentally.”

“…But you can, though.”

Yami looks a little shifty. “Maybe.”

Bakura leans down and looks him in the eyes. “Then kill me.”

“Okay, see, while I would love to, Yugi gets really mad when I commit murder.”

“What about assisted suicide?”

“Still counts, sorry. He made me sleep on the soul couch for like a week last time.”

“Suicide is _not_ the answer, Bakura!” Tristan interjects, looking genuinely upset.

“It kind of is, in his case,” Tea mutters.

Bakura ignores them both with the ease of someone long used to inane interruptions. He drops into a chair next to them, contemplates the half-packed-away game board, and then carefully puts his head on the dubiously clean table. Tea sticks a chip in his hair.

Yami scoots his seat away from him. “I’m going to regret this, but… you look awful and I know you have a skincare routine almost as rigorous as mine, so what gives?”

“The last time I slept,” Bakura says, his voice muffled by the table, “I woke up with a Steve spooning me.”

“I- um. I don’t- really know what to say to that. Were they hot, at least?”

“It was _Steve Buscemi.”_

There is a moment of horrified silence.

“…My condolences.” Yami says, eventually.

“Listen. Pharaoh.” Bakura gropes around blindly until he finds Yami’s shoulder and shakes him, hard. “I can’t take this anymore. The Steves are _everywhere._ I told Marik they were creepy and I didn’t want them anywhere near me and he thought that meant I had to 'get used to them’, so he filled our house with them. I can’t even take a piss anymore without tripping over at _least_ three Steves. And he thinks this is normal! He thinks it’s fine! He _likes_ the Steves!”

Yami tries to scoot away a little more, but Bakura refuses to let go of his shoulder. He’s surprisingly strong, considering his host body belongs to the biggest geek in the world.

“Look,” he tries, “it’s kind of creepy, but I’m sure if you just talk to him-”

Bakura shakes him again. _“He called me 'Steve’ in bed the other night.”_

“That’s… alright, wow.”

“Wait.” Tea squints at Bakura. “You got into Marik’s pants? I thought he was still pretending to be straight.”

“What?” Bakura rolls his head to the side just far enough for him to squint back at her. “Oh. Yeah, he said something about me being 'too effeminate to really be considered a guy anyway’, which was offensive and hurtful but then I was distracted by his abs, so, whatever. I bought industrial strength earplugs, too, so I don’t have to listen to anything else he says.”

“If you hate it that much, just leave,” Joey says. “Yugi, give me my cards back.”

Yami leans as far away from Bakura as he can get. “He has a point, you know. Also, stop touching me.”

“What the fuck?” Bakura says, using Yami’s shoulder to lever himself back up (and throwing in another shove for good measure). “Have either of you seen him? _Please.”_

“Fine, then just- I don’t know, murder a couple Steves and see if he gets the point.” Yami jerks in his seat, like someone invisible and strenuously opposed to serial murder has just kicked him in the head. “I mean. Get rid of them peacefully and in a non-homicidal way because murder is, uh… bad.”

Bakura sniggers. “Gods, you’re whipped.”

“Fuck off.”

“Ugh, _fine._ Later, assholes.” Bakura deliberately shoves his seat as far out into the aisle as he can and wanders off. Approximately half a chip basket is stuck in his hair.

Yami watches him go. “I am _such_ a good problem solver.”

“You didn’t really fix anything, though.” Tea hides the remaining few chips in the napkin dispenser. “Marik never really struck me as the type to give a shit about his mind slaves’ lives.”

Yami clicks his tongue. “Look at it this way, Tea. Either Marik gets rid of the Steves, in which case, problem solved, or Bakura offs himself. Which solves an entirely different problem.”

Tristan raises his hand like the useless teacher’s pet he is. “Wouldn’t that just put him back into the ring so he can start this whole thing over again five thousand years later?”

_“That,_ my dear Tristan,” Yami says, with great dignity, “is a problem for future me.”


End file.
